Clenched Fists

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I have been holding on to my past – I can’t escape it. I want to blame my parents for not being who I thought they should be. To blame them for not investing in me like I needed and not guided me. Pretty selfish. I’ve blamed them for moving me out of my comfort and for not making me feel worthy. I went through life with so much anger, pain, and regret. Recently, all of the anger and pain I felt exploded and I told God to take my life.

The devil was listening and came into my life. He came as someone who I thought would love me eventually. Telling me that God heard me and they adored me – everything I wanted to hear. I allowed them to use my mind and my body. And then as soon as that person came, that person left. Shortly after, my body began to go through awful changes. I cried out to God with no answer. Did God abandon me? Does He hate me? Is this me dying? Those are all of the thoughts I had. I grasped for God every chance I got. Just hoping he would hear my cries. That’s all I did. I pleaded and begged because I wanted an immediate answer. All while the enemy laughed. He knew the pain I was going through and how I suffered. He knew until I would let go of people and situations and anger, that nothing would change. So months passed with me trying to cleanse my mind and body, barely scratching the service of cleansing my spirit.

Until last night – they told me I needed to let go of my clenched fists. WHAT?? All of the praying I was doing, clearly God heard me. But anger was still there. And then the epiphany. God, I’ve been praying out of pain, anger, disappointment, hurt, toxic thoughts. God doesn’t want that from me. He wants my heart. So as I sit and write – what am I holding on to? My anger, my unrealistic expectations, my past, mistakes made, sin, and toxic thoughts. Reaching God requires me to let go of these things. Today, I give it up to God. Just as easily as I used to give my body and energy to men – I offer my past, my hurt, my disappointments, my pain, my sin, my life to God. To be free, I have to surrender. God is free to use me as He sees fit. I have a purpose and the enemy convinced me I wasn’t worthy, but that is a lie. God wants me to be loving. So I will love. God wants me to have peace. So I will be peaceful. God wants me to be radical – for Him. God, my love is for You.

With God’s love,

Alishea

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