Suffering Through the Night

Pain… It’s not always physical. It can be emotional and mental. It’s often hidden, lurking and waiting for its chance to make us suffer.

As I write this, I am battling pain in many forms. Sleep has escaped me and I have work in the morning. My alarm is set to ring four and a half hours from now. However, I’m restless. Partly caffeine; mostly pain.

As I lie here, I’m forcing myself to engage in positive self talk. Thinking of the plans I have for the future. But pain overshadows it all. I’m lying here praying for morning glory – God’s mercy. I’m praying that writing about it will help me to move past it. The physical pain at least.

The mental and emotional pain has snuck up on me as a result of the physical pain and triggers from a class I am taking. You really don’t understand or realize how you hold onto things from the past until they come back to haunt you. You’ve managed to store those memories, but they’ve been waiting for you. And they hurt. They feel worse than a cut. The pain burrowed in your brain.

As I lie here thinking, “God, why me?” and if my disobedience was deserving of the pain. Can I pray it all away? Or am I meant to suffer for the rest of my life?

I’ve prayed all night, waiting for God to move. Waiting for His gentle whisper. I told God how I long to hear His voice. I need the Holy Spirit to guide me, to heal me, to comfort me.

But maybe pain is my comfort. I’ve known it in many forms. From feeling unattractive and undesirable. To feeling lonely and depressed. I want to release the burden of the old comfort and replace it with something new.

Maybe I will be renewed in the morning, when the sun rises. My prayer tonight is for comfort, peace, and healing. I am believing God for the impossible. A supernatural healing. One that cannot be explained by any physician or other professional. But one that gives ALL glory to God.

May peace be with you!

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